


Sander, trouwens

by orphan_account



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Confusion, Experimental, Internal, M/M, Memories, Meta, Repressed, snapshot, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-01-26 09:41:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21372067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Inside Robbe's head for a few momentszaterdag 09 november 21:48
Relationships: Robbe IJzermans/Sander, Robbe Ijzermans/Sander Driesen, Robbe/Sander
Kudos: 15





	Sander, trouwens

**Author's Note:**

> Very experimental thing I jotted down this evening after a drink (or three) in the pub a couple of weeks ago. Rebel Rebel came on and I couldn't help but think of Robbe in a similar situation, out with his friends and not knowing what is wrong. 
> 
> Also inspired by Monday or Tuesday by Virginia Woolf. I imagine Robbe struggling with so many conflicting thoughts that we can identify from an outside perspective but that must be going through his head far too fast for him to understand.
> 
> Please ingulge my experimental riff on Robbe's internal thoughts right now. And, er, enjoy if you can ;)

_People around me. Music playing. Drinks flowing. Laughter. Smiles. Fun._

_I look around me and drink this all in. This is right where I should be, and right where I feel at home. Should feel at home. _

_But something is missing._

_I don’t know what it is. It’s like I’m looking at everything though dirty glass, or from underneath a bridal veil. The situation is right, everything is good. But I am disengaged, disconnected, there is one link missing from this situation and the feelings it ought to be stirring within me._

_I feel like I am tower of Jenga with something cruicial missing right at the bottom._

_And I feel like I know what that missing piece is. But I can’t look for it, because it will stare me straight back in the face. And I am not made for that. I can’t deal with that._

**These thoughts pass through Robbe’s head within the splinter of a single moment, as the night crystallises around him into shards of pure emotion, too many, too raw to count, and he is left there, as we all are, trying to catch up with what every single thing means and put the jigsaw into place.**

**Slow down time like that, take time to examine your thoughts from an outside perspective, and everything is clear.**

**It’s clear to us, with time and words, able to pause each situation and see the light glint off every reaction. We see the mosaic of feelings - from above, we can see the way out of the maze. But Robbe, he is still lost in it, grasping for answers, blind at each turn. These thoughts happen too fast for him to catch and the sense slips away from him like fish darting out of the sun. **

**Noor sits across from him, smiling, though with a glint in her eye he can’t quite place, and with the toes of one foot rubbing up and down his shin. Jens is next to her, throwing occasional concerned looks at Robbe but otherwise trading banter with the two other boys on Robbe’s left. It is dark and warm inside the bar, but he is not at ease.**

**Each sip of beer is more ineffective at masking the sinister something inside that feels out of place.**

**Then he hears the song change, and always distracted by music, and even more sensitive to this one, Robbe has an unnerving feeling he knows what is wrong.**

_It takes me a few seconds to place the song. Before I can recall the words, the feeling comes to me, the same it does with every song._

_Rebel rebel. One moment of rebellion, and though it was wrong, it made the world feel right. That night, that thing we did in the pool. I pushed against the walls of the world as I knew it and I felt the world give out under me._

_This feeling is freedom. Flying. And the fear of the fall. _

_I see those sea-green eyes like pools. I see my own reflection in them. I jumped in, and for a moment, I was held, kissed, touched, comforted, soothed, known._

_I miss him. I shouted at him. I insulted him. I distanced myself from him forever, too far to come back now. And I miss him._

**But this thought is only fleeting and lost in the next million thoughts that pass though his head in the next minute. The beer is cold. Noor is smiling. Chips salty. Jens loud. Chair. Ankle. Cough. Beer.**

**If only Robbe would admit it, he would know what is wrong. Why he feels so distant here. Why nothing sparks him up like he used to. His world misses Sander lighting it up. **

**If only we could tell him, tell him why his heart aches, and hold him as he fights to make the right decision.**

**But he won’t know, until one day, these moments of clarity will become too many and too forceful to be lost in the pattern of thoughts that make up any Saturday evening.**

**We can only hope it will happen before it is too late.**


End file.
